Carol's corner

I thought I should come and speak of the good days.  I have done a lot of venting of the crap that has gone on.  I've not mentioned much of why I was there in the first place. That first moment that I saw you, when you walked into Donna's back yard...and stole my breath.  You were so beautiful.  It was a chilly summer and you didn't hesitate to take off your jacket and cover my legs.  It's funny now that I know how cold you are all the time. It was such a sweet gesture and it stuck with me.  We became fast friends.  Donna was "in love" with you so out of respect, I let it go.  My friendship was worth more than any guy.  Little did I know. Time went on and almost a year passed and it happened.  We happened.  I don't know that I've ever been so happy.  You were gentle and sweet, so kind and loving.  So happy to make me happy.  I've never had that. When my dad had his heart attack, you dropped everything to come with me to the hospital.  Who

It's strange how the human mind works.  You go about life being brave and strong on the outside.  On the inside you're paddling madly to stay on top of the water. Nobody sees that.  Nobody wants to see. This past little while, I've been struggling to deal with my own self and with himself as well.  On a bad day, I can shove my clouds back and find the ray of light to bask in, to find the warmth.  On a good day, I bank that light for when I need it most.  For those darkest of dark days when I can't find the ray. When you have your own mental illness to deal with, dealing with someone else who is unmedicated or unbalanced is stressful at the least, dangerous at the most. Not only is it taxing on my system, it pushes me closer and closer to mental and physical exhaustion. Think of an electric wire.  Looks nice and calm, but inside that wire thousands of volts are constantly humming, or the Duck on the water, calm on the surface, but under, paddling madly to maintai

Kindness comes in all forms.  Doing something nice for others because you want to.  Doing something for someone because you know they need it. A simple gesture or words. I've been out of sorts lately.  The five year anniversary of "the incident" hit me hard.  More so because we had had such a lovely day.  The kids and I.  To come from such a high and to have the cloud yanked out from under us, or me, so abruptly left me in a tail spin.  The week long barrage was nothing short of horrific.  I've never come so close to letting it all go since I was in high school. That scared me. I have been so distracted and distant from my own self it's alarming.  My internal panic at my situation has me cutting my ties with myself and I'm worried. Or was... I went out with some friends on Friday.  I wasn't in the mood to go.  Not in the mood to be around people at all really, but I had promised to bring one friend to the gathering.  I got ready and went.  An old f

Another year and the kids are back to school again. Grades 5, 3 and 1. Where was I in fifth grade.  I was starting at Claude Watson.  Huge change for me.  Getting tiny wings in taking the bus so far from home to school each day.  Learning that I wasn't just "Linda's little sister".  Learning that I have talent on my own. I look at Bean and I marvel at how much like me she is.  How utterly and achingly like me she is.  So strong in her personality, and how deep in her own self doubt. I don't know how to help her.  Even less when I'm so deeply mired there still. In grade three...I have fuzzy memories of my teacher constantly telling me how Linda did things better than I did.  Grade one, only memories of Ms. Brown having us all in a circle reading us stories. I should be grateful that I have those memories at all. It's been five years that we've been on our own.  Five years of struggling to be both mom and dad.  Five years of trying to not m

I've had issues coming back here.  The pain of losing my baby girl was so intense I couldn't look at pictures, couldn't see her dish, couldn't admit she was gone. It has been over a year and life has changed. My boys (Sunny and Thomas) are bigger and sweeter and we've added a dog to the mix. Bear is funny and stupid and lovable and I worship him. I'm lucky that I work from home.  A gift that I recognized for my children.  When we got the dog in August, it was a godsend. He keeps me company all day where the boys are aloof.  He sleeps on my toes and gazes at me with love and adoration.  He follows me everywhere like Smudge used to do. He also makes me be more active.  He needs walks and play time. We are soon to be adding another dog to the mix. Keeping track? Two dogs, two cats, the turtle (who has still not caught one of her feeder fish) and three female beta fish. Yes it is a zoo.  Yes it is chaos.  Yes I get frustrated at time but I would

Once in a lifetime you are given a gift. Everyone has pets.  Everyone loves their pets.  Some are even lucky enough to have pets with such personality that they capture their hearts in such a way as to become not just pets but family. My pet, my cat, my child was so much more than that. My baby, my sweet sweet baby was so so much more. Sweet Smudge was a gift. I can clearly recall the call from a friend saying her cat Taya was giving birth and she was freaking out.  See Taya and Bobo were brother and sister and she didn't even know that Taya was pregnant.  There were three kittens and what was she supposed to do? I went over and there were three tiny balls of fluff.  One orange, one with Himalayan colouring, and one grey.  These tiny balls of fluff, so sweet. Days pass and she calls again.  The grey one's eyes aren't opening.  What should she do?  I tell her not to worry, I will take her.  I will take the poor sweet blind kitty.  I'll take her sister as we