Carol's corner

It's taken me over a year to do it, but I did it finally. It is cleaning out my porch. The porch has always been Peter's domain. He would sit out there for hours smoking and drinking. When he left last year in March, I had some friends come over and take out the stinky smelly sofa bed that was out there. That was my first step. I replaced the ouside stairs and the porch door so it now locks. That was step two. A few weeks back, I spent a couple hours out there cutting down cardboard so I could have the recycling guys take it all. I put it out last week so it's gone. That was step three. Today I came home from work, checked my email and then headed out to the porch. I loaded up two garbage bags of all the junk that Peter had been hoarding for whatever reason. I pulled out the Vacuum and cleaned the indoor/outdoor carpeting. I moved all the remaining stuff around so it's nice and clean. Step four. I am so proud of myself. I was sweating buckets be...

I've had enough. I've had more than my share of being told I'm stupid. I'm done with being told I'm fat. I'm over my children being treated like less than they are. All of this because he ditched his own kids for fathers day. He promised them that he would take them for the weekend. He didn't answer the phone again. He waited till Wednesday to call and pretend nothing happened. I called him on it. I told him that he's being a dick. Life doesn't revolve around him only anymore and hasn't since we had our first kid. I told him that his children will grow to hate him and it will not be my fault. For this I've had suicide threats, threats of quitting his job so I'm forced out of my home and more. I've been called a hippo............. Why do I still love him? Why do I look for the man I married in this monster? Why am I doing this to myself still? I need to be strong. I need to take my own advice instead of just ha...

I'm so exhausted. I can barely function at all anymore. It's just one long long effort of staying awake until bedtime. There is something seriously wrong with me. I've grown apathetic to my life. Rather than pick up stuff from the floor, I walk over it or on it. I sit in the corner of the sofa staring at the wall. I need help and I can't get it. Yesterday was my kids first ever dance recital. I loved it. Every single second of it. Until I picked up their father to come and watch and then we had to leave during intermission because he was bored. The kids didn't get to do their first ever final bow because daddy was "tired" I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be a "wife" anymore. I don't want to be a mother anymore. I don't want to be anymore... I'm tired.

I'm tired of being so down all the time. I need to find a life that makes me happy. I'm struggling to stay upwards. I need more from life. I had a delivery guy whom I adore in a not so platonic way come in to the store today and flirt with me a little bit. We didn't have a delivery. He just saw I was working while on a delivery next door and came in to say hi. It made me so happy. I need to feel alive. I need to find joy in my life again. Starting today

I hurt. I did something stupid and now I'm hurt. Horribly hurt. Why am I so hurt? I knew he says bad things about me. I shouldn't find it shocking, but I guess reading it is something different. Reading him trying to flirt with an old flame is painful. I thought we were finally getting somewhere. I thought he was turning a corner. Was it all a ruse to crush me further? It worked. I'm again reminded that I'm overweight. Painfully so. I'm reminded that he would be happier if I was thinner. Fine. I'll get thinner and walk super fast elsewhere. Point to him...

Motherfuckingassmuchingdillholes........... I hate people. I hate all of them

of me. Wake up at 6ish. Lay in bed thinking of what I'm to do next now that I don't have both jobs anymore and I can't survive on Bux alone. 7am, alarm goes off so I get out of bed. Get the coffee going, feed the cats. Wake the kids and get them fed. 8am, tell the kids to get dressed and ready. 8:15 remind them to get dressed and ready. 8:20 tell Eric he's going to school naked since he's still not dressed. 8:30 haul ass to the school in the van now that we're late and can't walk in time. Come home and pick up the mail. Open the mail as I'm heading up to pee. Make a horrific discovery. The city has done an end run around my ever so patient phone calls and sent my "arrears" tax bill to the mortgage company. Call the mortgage company on one phone, call the city on my cell. Wait on hold forever with the mortgage company, speak to three different answering machines on the cell phone. Find out from the mortgage company that too fucking bad,...

I love mine. My children exhaust me to no end. I wonder why they chose to drive me as crazy as they do. Probably because they can. And then there are moments where I look at them and my heart aches from how much I love them and see how much they love each other. This weekend was one of those. I took them to Great Wolf with Peter (shocking I know) and watched them play. I watched my son wait for his little sister. I watched him help her climb on his back. I watched him pony ride her through the water over to the ladder. I watched him help her up the stairs and hold her hand up to the slides. I watched him make sure she was right behind him while he went down the slide and saw him wait for her at the bottom to do it all again. At moments like that, I realize that I am a good mother. I realize no matter how out of control I feel, they are learning love and kindness from me. I can't be that bad after all. Thank you to me children for reminding me what it is that is important. ...

I had a family. Complete, Husband, Wife and kids family. It's gone and I move on. Today I found out that my ex of years and years ago, my most significent ex is soon to be a father. I cried. Why. I'm unsure why it has made me so sad. I clearly moved on years ago myself. I've been with my "husband" for 16 years. My ex and my husband even met each other at least once. My ex is a good guy. He deserves a family of his own concidering how screwed up his family is. So, why. Is it because of the what if factor again? What if his mother wasn't such a bitch and did what she did, we would have still been together? Is it because of the one I lost that I never told him about? Is it because once a long time ago he asked me to marry him and I couldn't because of his screwed up family? Is it because my own life is such a failure? Is it all of the above? I feel horrible about it. If my life had been different, I wouldn't have my beautiful babies. I pro...

Are the best. The ones I've cultivated from work, the ones I've found through my kids and my knitters. I'm blessed to have a group of girls whom I can hang with and knit with and who won't for one second NOT tell me I'm full of shit. I think for me in my current place, I need to be around people who are less likely to tell me what I want to hear but what I need to hear. These ladies are them. I love them so fiercely it's insane. We giggle like children, we drink and we swear and I would lay down my life for each and every one. Thank you girls for keeping me on the right path, not just the right path for me right now. Love you all.

Seven years ago... I was driving in to work with my beautiful baby girl in my back seat and got the call from the hospital..."You might want to come here soon..." I dropped her off, told my work and went in. I held his hand. I begged for him to hold on for my sister. I begged for him to see that I was there. I held his hand... He died. He was tired. He had had enough. I held his hand. I screamed and cried and I waited for my sister and my aunt to arrive and I held his hand. I didn't want my sister to have to take his hand and it be cold. I didn't want her to look into his lifeless eyes so I closed them. I cried. Through it all, and all the shit that happened afterwards I never hated my sister. I was just glad that I was there for him and knew in my heart of hearts that she couldn't have handled the gasping, the choking and seeing the light go out. Unfortunately people will show you who they are most in times of grief and pain. I should have known then and accepted...

Once in a lifetime you will meet someone who touches your heart in a way that lasts. I've been lucky enough to have a few people in my life that have moved me to better myself. People who remain in my heart after years. My grade four teacher is one. He brought me out of my shell and opened the windows to a new world of reading and life in general. He was so amazing he even attended my school functions at a different school for years. My aunt was another one. She was the lady who lived next door to us when my mom was pregnant with me. From the day I took my first breath she was a part of my life and part of my family. She taught me almost everything I know about being human. She was LSG to the core. Smoked, drank, gambled and taught me how to knit. I am forever saddened that she's gone, but love that she passed playing Bingo... And now, through the internet, I've found another. A woman a world away. A woman who has been tossed upsidedown and come out on top. S...

People ask you to rely on them. They ask you to trust in them to help. You reach out for that help and get a swift kick in the teeth. I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting for Peter to be a better man and father. I'm tired of waiting for my mother to pick up after herself and not destroy my home. I'm tired of all the "just let me know when you need a break" people to actually come through and give me the break, For the third time my sister has backed out of helping me by taking the kids for a week so I can rest and my mom can rest. What else can I do or say to people to make them understand that I'm dying? I've given everything I had and then given more. I need a chance to cry without little faces asking me why I'm crying. I need a chance to rage without making my kids think they've done something wrong. Job #2 starts on Tuesday. I'm terrified that I'm going to fuck it up somehow and be back at Starbucks full time scraping by. Who shoul...

What a long time, and yet it's just a blink of an eye. Eight Years ago I was holding my fresh new baby girl in my arms. I was looking at her as she slept in my arms and wondering how it could be possible that my heart was so full. I was so in love with such a tiny creature and I couldn't imagine it would ever get bigger than that. Eight years later...she's beautiful, she's vibrant, she's loving and kind. She is one of the most amazing little girls I've ever seen in my life. She's my baby, she's my joy and I'm so proud to be her mother. I love you Gilly Bean, there is nothing else in the world you need to know than that. I will do anything in my power to make you happy for the rest of my life. Hugs and kisses, Mom

So apparently this is no longer a crafty blog...LOL!!! It has turned into a vent for my anger, an outlet for the supressed feelings I have and the place where I can let it out with no mask. I'm angry. I'm angry that the man of my dreams is now the man of my nightmares. It's pathetic how predictable he has become. He's mad at me being mad at him so he has to make me feel bad and punish the kids. Sunday night bedtime suicide calls, no I won't take the kids and so on. It's almost funny. I know the game by now. I wonder why he feels the need. Doesn't he see I'm finished? Doesn't he see that it's falling on deaf ears? When he calls to say yah I can't take the kids and I answer, Yah I know....doesn't he get it???? It all serves to make me more sure of my choice, see my path clearer and to know my road ahead is the right one. On a positive note, my manager took it well that I'm dropping down to part time to start a new c...

It begins anew. He called at 4 when he got home to say "happy anniversary" and tell me he's sick. I assume it's so I wouldn't bring the kids over. Haha, jokes on him, I had no intention of taking them over anyway. Why would I leave my kids with someone who so obviously doesn't give a rats ass about any of us. Whatever. I ended the year with my traditional dinner at The Keg only this year with my mom and kids. I had fun. Day One.

I play this game constantly. I hear from Peter how it's all my fault and I'm to blame for all teh evils in our "relationship". Okay, gotcha. Tell me what it was that set you off? Silence. He won't tell me if I don't know. It just goes to prove that I don't listen to him obviously. I'm so introverted and self centered that I can't see what is right in front of my face.....right........... My take on it? He realized that he's a major fucking asshole and he's scrambling to find blame in anyone other than himself, again. It's never his fault right? He's the prodigal son. He's perfect. He does no wrong. Never has, never will. This is acording to him and his whole fucking family. So.........if it's not his fault, it must be mine. Follow? I'm not sure if I do either. It is what it is. Lawer on speed dial. I will get it in writing and on record and forget living in fear of him not paying the bills, or not paying th...

I had such high hopes. He picked us. He stood up to his family and told them he would spend the holidays with us. And then he drank. Christmas Eve was picking at me, telling me that everything is still my fault and I should just accept it. Oh and getting the kids to all baby talk because he knopws it drives me fucking insane... Christmas was more drinking followed by not eating and then shattering my corning ware cause "it slipped" from his hands. I should thank my lucky stars that it didn't slip at me huh? He got pissy because I cleaned the mess up. Somehow that's offensive. Boxing Day is a study in ignoring him. Too bad he won't leave me alone and picks at me by his very presence in my space. I try to escape only to be followed into whatever room I'm hiding in. I just needed a moment alone to regroup and settle my mind. Today is silent so far but only because he's just woken up. I'm sure I'll catch hell because I've drunk all the co...

I think I finally got it. I think I understand. My life is hell because I let it be. Deep. If I want joy, I need to make it happen. I can't keep wallowing in self pity and anger. It gets me nowhere except angry at the world around me. That isn't fun Doing more for me because it causes joy is top of the list. I need more smiles and less frowns. I need to get on this now. I deserve better. My babies deserve better. Today. No fucking new years resolution. Today. TODAY.

What does this mean to you? To me it means being thankful for the gifts I've been given. My children. They are my biggest gift. I'm Thankful that I can still mostly put food on the table. I'm thankful that I have a job that allows me time out of my house daily so I don't go insane. I'm thankful that I have people who love me unconditionally. Being thankful isn't about calling someone and saying "hey I know you have these kids, and we want them to come to dinner, but you're not welcome." Yup folks I said it right. My inlaws want me to bring my children to them for dinner at a restaurant that I am only allowed to drop them off at. I told Peter that I will not be their bitch. They want them? Come get 'em. I'm not going to drive them and then walk away from them. FUCK YOU. How fucking rude is that? Peter isn't going because he doesn't want to. All of it then falls on my lap. I'm done being a fucking doormat to that fami...