Carol's corner

I thought I should come and speak of the good days.  I have done a lot of venting of the crap that has gone on.  I've not mentioned much of why I was there in the first place. That first moment that I saw you, when you walked into Donna's back yard...and stole my breath.  You were so beautiful.  It was a chilly summer and you didn't hesitate to take off your jacket and cover my legs.  It's funny now that I know how cold you are all the time. It was such a sweet gesture and it stuck with me.  We became fast friends.  Donna was "in love" with you so out of respect, I let it go.  My friendship was worth more than any guy.  Little did I know. Time went on and almost a year passed and it happened.  We happened.  I don't know that I've ever been so happy.  You were gentle and sweet, so kind and loving.  So happy to make me happy.  I've never had that. When my dad had his heart attack, you dropped everything to com...

It's strange how the human mind works.  You go about life being brave and strong on the outside.  On the inside you're paddling madly to stay on top of the water. Nobody sees that.  Nobody wants to see. This past little while, I've been struggling to deal with my own self and with himself as well.  On a bad day, I can shove my clouds back and find the ray of light to bask in, to find the warmth.  On a good day, I bank that light for when I need it most.  For those darkest of dark days when I can't find the ray. When you have your own mental illness to deal with, dealing with someone else who is unmedicated or unbalanced is stressful at the least, dangerous at the most. Not only is it taxing on my system, it pushes me closer and closer to mental and physical exhaustion. Think of an electric wire.  Looks nice and calm, but inside that wire thousands of volts are constantly humming, or the Duck on the water, calm on the surface, but under, paddlin...

Kindness comes in all forms.  Doing something nice for others because you want to.  Doing something for someone because you know they need it. A simple gesture or words. I've been out of sorts lately.  The five year anniversary of "the incident" hit me hard.  More so because we had had such a lovely day.  The kids and I.  To come from such a high and to have the cloud yanked out from under us, or me, so abruptly left me in a tail spin.  The week long barrage was nothing short of horrific.  I've never come so close to letting it all go since I was in high school. That scared me. I have been so distracted and distant from my own self it's alarming.  My internal panic at my situation has me cutting my ties with myself and I'm worried. Or was... I went out with some friends on Friday.  I wasn't in the mood to go.  Not in the mood to be around people at all really, but I had promised to bring one friend to the gathering.  I ...

Another year and the kids are back to school again. Grades 5, 3 and 1. Where was I in fifth grade.  I was starting at Claude Watson.  Huge change for me.  Getting tiny wings in taking the bus so far from home to school each day.  Learning that I wasn't just "Linda's little sister".  Learning that I have talent on my own. I look at Bean and I marvel at how much like me she is.  How utterly and achingly like me she is.  So strong in her personality, and how deep in her own self doubt. I don't know how to help her.  Even less when I'm so deeply mired there still. In grade three...I have fuzzy memories of my teacher constantly telling me how Linda did things better than I did.  Grade one, only memories of Ms. Brown having us all in a circle reading us stories. I should be grateful that I have those memories at all. It's been five years that we've been on our own.  Five years of struggling to be both mom and dad.  Five year...

I've had issues coming back here.  The pain of losing my baby girl was so intense I couldn't look at pictures, couldn't see her dish, couldn't admit she was gone. It has been over a year and life has changed. My boys (Sunny and Thomas) are bigger and sweeter and we've added a dog to the mix. Bear is funny and stupid and lovable and I worship him. I'm lucky that I work from home.  A gift that I recognized for my children.  When we got the dog in August, it was a godsend. He keeps me company all day where the boys are aloof.  He sleeps on my toes and gazes at me with love and adoration.  He follows me everywhere like Smudge used to do. He also makes me be more active.  He needs walks and play time. We are soon to be adding another dog to the mix. Keeping track? Two dogs, two cats, the turtle (who has still not caught one of her feeder fish) and three female beta fish. Yes it is a zoo.  Yes it is chaos.  Yes I get frustrated at ti...

Once in a lifetime you are given a gift. Everyone has pets.  Everyone loves their pets.  Some are even lucky enough to have pets with such personality that they capture their hearts in such a way as to become not just pets but family. My pet, my cat, my child was so much more than that. My baby, my sweet sweet baby was so so much more. Sweet Smudge was a gift. I can clearly recall the call from a friend saying her cat Taya was giving birth and she was freaking out.  See Taya and Bobo were brother and sister and she didn't even know that Taya was pregnant.  There were three kittens and what was she supposed to do? I went over and there were three tiny balls of fluff.  One orange, one with Himalayan colouring, and one grey.  These tiny balls of fluff, so sweet. Days pass and she calls again.  The grey one's eyes aren't opening.  What should she do?  I tell her not to worry, I will take her.  I will take the poor swe...

It's funny how time can change people.  I've mostly severed contact as I said I would.  For my sanity and security as well as for my children.  They need to learn that abusive behaviour isn't cool and will not be allowed in our family.  Things are mostly quiet now because of the refusal of mine to reach out again and try to make it work as a family.  I will reach out and provide amounts for bills, I will reach out and provide transport to go grocery shopping or get hair cuts if I'm going anyway, but I'm no longer trying to facilitate family time for my kids an him.  Peace at last. Life goes on.  My new job is amazing and I love it.  I work hard and long and I'm comfortable in my jammies or track pants and I love it.  I find myself stretching my brain again and I enjoy stretching that particular muscle that I hadn't had to stretch and flex in so long.  My kids enjoy seeing me home every day.  I still go to the school some days to d...

2011 was a year from hell for me.  I was put through the ringer and I didn't like it.  I found out how hard a person can be pushed without snapping or breaking and I didn't like it. 2012 is going to be different for me. I have three little jobs that pay me barely enough to afford to feed the kids and some extras for fun.  It's tight but it's there.  I work long hours and I'm tired. This will change. I was offered a new position just before Christmas that hopefully will enable me to stay home with them again.  It's a work from home executive administrative position for a virtual company so there are no offices to go to. Hopefully there is enough funding available to enable me to walk completely away from the other positions mostly.  I want to stay with one position because I love it but we'll see. As always, my ex cracked and tanked himself over the holidays.  I give him the room to see the kids and he sinks his own battleship.  I have no...

10 Years ago...where were you?  Where was I. I was sitting at my desk working first thing in the morning.  My one boss came running out of his office saying a plane hit one of the two towers.  It must have been some kind of joke right?  No, radio confirmed.  It must have been some kind of pilot error, heart attack something right? We all turned on the new radio while working to listen to updates. The second tower got hit. My world, along with so many others crumbled.  Two couldn't possibly be an accident. We sat and worked and tried to contact those we knew in the area.  We waited to hear more. Driving home past the airport was such a strange feeling.  Nothing in the air.  That has never happened before.  I got home and sat down and turned on the tv.  The coverage was so much worse than the radio could express. Then they fell. I cried.  I cried for hours.  I couldn't stop watching.  Are they okay? ...

I've finally realized something about you and I. It's taken a while, but it was a revelation for sure. All the things you hate about me, aren't me. They're you. I've loved and supported you for a very long time. I've been open and honest about my feelings, my thoughts, my desires. I supported you financially and mentally when you were fired from your job. I worked long hours and cut out many of my wants and needs so I could support us as a couple in our apartment. I never complained. When you got your job, I pushed you gently in the direction of getting the education you needed to move forward in the company. I sat quietly beside you while you learned what you needed to learn. I made it happen when you mentioned that you wanted to have owned a home by the time you were 30. We moved in just over a month after your 31st birthday. I did that for you. I changed my view on the world and decided to have children because you wanted to right the wron...

It's taken me over a year to do it, but I did it finally. It is cleaning out my porch. The porch has always been Peter's domain. He would sit out there for hours smoking and drinking. When he left last year in March, I had some friends come over and take out the stinky smelly sofa bed that was out there. That was my first step. I replaced the ouside stairs and the porch door so it now locks. That was step two. A few weeks back, I spent a couple hours out there cutting down cardboard so I could have the recycling guys take it all. I put it out last week so it's gone. That was step three. Today I came home from work, checked my email and then headed out to the porch. I loaded up two garbage bags of all the junk that Peter had been hoarding for whatever reason. I pulled out the Vacuum and cleaned the indoor/outdoor carpeting. I moved all the remaining stuff around so it's nice and clean. Step four. I am so proud of myself. I was sweating buckets be...

I've had enough. I've had more than my share of being told I'm stupid. I'm done with being told I'm fat. I'm over my children being treated like less than they are. All of this because he ditched his own kids for fathers day. He promised them that he would take them for the weekend. He didn't answer the phone again. He waited till Wednesday to call and pretend nothing happened. I called him on it. I told him that he's being a dick. Life doesn't revolve around him only anymore and hasn't since we had our first kid. I told him that his children will grow to hate him and it will not be my fault. For this I've had suicide threats, threats of quitting his job so I'm forced out of my home and more. I've been called a hippo............. Why do I still love him? Why do I look for the man I married in this monster? Why am I doing this to myself still? I need to be strong. I need to take my own advice instead of just ha...

I'm so exhausted. I can barely function at all anymore. It's just one long long effort of staying awake until bedtime. There is something seriously wrong with me. I've grown apathetic to my life. Rather than pick up stuff from the floor, I walk over it or on it. I sit in the corner of the sofa staring at the wall. I need help and I can't get it. Yesterday was my kids first ever dance recital. I loved it. Every single second of it. Until I picked up their father to come and watch and then we had to leave during intermission because he was bored. The kids didn't get to do their first ever final bow because daddy was "tired" I don't want to do it anymore. I don't want to be a "wife" anymore. I don't want to be a mother anymore. I don't want to be anymore... I'm tired.

I'm tired of being so down all the time. I need to find a life that makes me happy. I'm struggling to stay upwards. I need more from life. I had a delivery guy whom I adore in a not so platonic way come in to the store today and flirt with me a little bit. We didn't have a delivery. He just saw I was working while on a delivery next door and came in to say hi. It made me so happy. I need to feel alive. I need to find joy in my life again. Starting today

I hurt. I did something stupid and now I'm hurt. Horribly hurt. Why am I so hurt? I knew he says bad things about me. I shouldn't find it shocking, but I guess reading it is something different. Reading him trying to flirt with an old flame is painful. I thought we were finally getting somewhere. I thought he was turning a corner. Was it all a ruse to crush me further? It worked. I'm again reminded that I'm overweight. Painfully so. I'm reminded that he would be happier if I was thinner. Fine. I'll get thinner and walk super fast elsewhere. Point to him...

Motherfuckingassmuchingdillholes........... I hate people. I hate all of them

of me. Wake up at 6ish. Lay in bed thinking of what I'm to do next now that I don't have both jobs anymore and I can't survive on Bux alone. 7am, alarm goes off so I get out of bed. Get the coffee going, feed the cats. Wake the kids and get them fed. 8am, tell the kids to get dressed and ready. 8:15 remind them to get dressed and ready. 8:20 tell Eric he's going to school naked since he's still not dressed. 8:30 haul ass to the school in the van now that we're late and can't walk in time. Come home and pick up the mail. Open the mail as I'm heading up to pee. Make a horrific discovery. The city has done an end run around my ever so patient phone calls and sent my "arrears" tax bill to the mortgage company. Call the mortgage company on one phone, call the city on my cell. Wait on hold forever with the mortgage company, speak to three different answering machines on the cell phone. Find out from the mortgage company that too fucking bad,...

I love mine. My children exhaust me to no end. I wonder why they chose to drive me as crazy as they do. Probably because they can. And then there are moments where I look at them and my heart aches from how much I love them and see how much they love each other. This weekend was one of those. I took them to Great Wolf with Peter (shocking I know) and watched them play. I watched my son wait for his little sister. I watched him help her climb on his back. I watched him pony ride her through the water over to the ladder. I watched him help her up the stairs and hold her hand up to the slides. I watched him make sure she was right behind him while he went down the slide and saw him wait for her at the bottom to do it all again. At moments like that, I realize that I am a good mother. I realize no matter how out of control I feel, they are learning love and kindness from me. I can't be that bad after all. Thank you to me children for reminding me what it is that is important. ...

I had a family. Complete, Husband, Wife and kids family. It's gone and I move on. Today I found out that my ex of years and years ago, my most significent ex is soon to be a father. I cried. Why. I'm unsure why it has made me so sad. I clearly moved on years ago myself. I've been with my "husband" for 16 years. My ex and my husband even met each other at least once. My ex is a good guy. He deserves a family of his own concidering how screwed up his family is. So, why. Is it because of the what if factor again? What if his mother wasn't such a bitch and did what she did, we would have still been together? Is it because of the one I lost that I never told him about? Is it because once a long time ago he asked me to marry him and I couldn't because of his screwed up family? Is it because my own life is such a failure? Is it all of the above? I feel horrible about it. If my life had been different, I wouldn't have my beautiful babies. I pro...

Are the best. The ones I've cultivated from work, the ones I've found through my kids and my knitters. I'm blessed to have a group of girls whom I can hang with and knit with and who won't for one second NOT tell me I'm full of shit. I think for me in my current place, I need to be around people who are less likely to tell me what I want to hear but what I need to hear. These ladies are them. I love them so fiercely it's insane. We giggle like children, we drink and we swear and I would lay down my life for each and every one. Thank you girls for keeping me on the right path, not just the right path for me right now. Love you all.