Carol's corner

of me. Wake up at 6ish. Lay in bed thinking of what I'm to do next now that I don't have both jobs anymore and I can't survive on Bux alone. 7am, alarm goes off so I get out of bed. Get the coffee going, feed the cats. Wake the kids and get them fed. 8am, tell the kids to get dressed and ready. 8:15 remind them to get dressed and ready. 8:20 tell Eric he's going to school naked since he's still not dressed. 8:30 haul ass to the school in the van now that we're late and can't walk in time. Come home and pick up the mail. Open the mail as I'm heading up to pee. Make a horrific discovery. The city has done an end run around my ever so patient phone calls and sent my "arrears" tax bill to the mortgage company. Call the mortgage company on one phone, call the city on my cell. Wait on hold forever with the mortgage company, speak to three different answering machines on the cell phone. Find out from the mortgage company that too fucking bad,

I love mine. My children exhaust me to no end. I wonder why they chose to drive me as crazy as they do. Probably because they can. And then there are moments where I look at them and my heart aches from how much I love them and see how much they love each other. This weekend was one of those. I took them to Great Wolf with Peter (shocking I know) and watched them play. I watched my son wait for his little sister. I watched him help her climb on his back. I watched him pony ride her through the water over to the ladder. I watched him help her up the stairs and hold her hand up to the slides. I watched him make sure she was right behind him while he went down the slide and saw him wait for her at the bottom to do it all again. At moments like that, I realize that I am a good mother. I realize no matter how out of control I feel, they are learning love and kindness from me. I can't be that bad after all. Thank you to me children for reminding me what it is that is important.

I had a family. Complete, Husband, Wife and kids family. It's gone and I move on. Today I found out that my ex of years and years ago, my most significent ex is soon to be a father. I cried. Why. I'm unsure why it has made me so sad. I clearly moved on years ago myself. I've been with my "husband" for 16 years. My ex and my husband even met each other at least once. My ex is a good guy. He deserves a family of his own concidering how screwed up his family is. So, why. Is it because of the what if factor again? What if his mother wasn't such a bitch and did what she did, we would have still been together? Is it because of the one I lost that I never told him about? Is it because once a long time ago he asked me to marry him and I couldn't because of his screwed up family? Is it because my own life is such a failure? Is it all of the above? I feel horrible about it. If my life had been different, I wouldn't have my beautiful babies. I pro