Carol's corner

I play this game constantly. I hear from Peter how it's all my fault and I'm to blame for all teh evils in our "relationship". Okay, gotcha. Tell me what it was that set you off? Silence. He won't tell me if I don't know. It just goes to prove that I don't listen to him obviously. I'm so introverted and self centered that I can't see what is right in front of my face.....right........... My take on it? He realized that he's a major fucking asshole and he's scrambling to find blame in anyone other than himself, again. It's never his fault right? He's the prodigal son. He's perfect. He does no wrong. Never has, never will. This is acording to him and his whole fucking family. So.........if it's not his fault, it must be mine. Follow? I'm not sure if I do either. It is what it is. Lawer on speed dial. I will get it in writing and on record and forget living in fear of him not paying the bills, or not paying th

I had such high hopes. He picked us. He stood up to his family and told them he would spend the holidays with us. And then he drank. Christmas Eve was picking at me, telling me that everything is still my fault and I should just accept it. Oh and getting the kids to all baby talk because he knopws it drives me fucking insane... Christmas was more drinking followed by not eating and then shattering my corning ware cause "it slipped" from his hands. I should thank my lucky stars that it didn't slip at me huh? He got pissy because I cleaned the mess up. Somehow that's offensive. Boxing Day is a study in ignoring him. Too bad he won't leave me alone and picks at me by his very presence in my space. I try to escape only to be followed into whatever room I'm hiding in. I just needed a moment alone to regroup and settle my mind. Today is silent so far but only because he's just woken up. I'm sure I'll catch hell because I've drunk all the co

I think I finally got it. I think I understand. My life is hell because I let it be. Deep. If I want joy, I need to make it happen. I can't keep wallowing in self pity and anger. It gets me nowhere except angry at the world around me. That isn't fun Doing more for me because it causes joy is top of the list. I need more smiles and less frowns. I need to get on this now. I deserve better. My babies deserve better. Today. No fucking new years resolution. Today. TODAY.

What does this mean to you? To me it means being thankful for the gifts I've been given. My children. They are my biggest gift. I'm Thankful that I can still mostly put food on the table. I'm thankful that I have a job that allows me time out of my house daily so I don't go insane. I'm thankful that I have people who love me unconditionally. Being thankful isn't about calling someone and saying "hey I know you have these kids, and we want them to come to dinner, but you're not welcome." Yup folks I said it right. My inlaws want me to bring my children to them for dinner at a restaurant that I am only allowed to drop them off at. I told Peter that I will not be their bitch. They want them? Come get 'em. I'm not going to drive them and then walk away from them. FUCK YOU. How fucking rude is that? Peter isn't going because he doesn't want to. All of it then falls on my lap. I'm done being a fucking doormat to that fami

Did I mention that I mostly hate it? Kids are horrible. They've learned the game of playing mommy off of daddy and they are rotton. I never get a real break. I sometimes drop them off on Saturdays after Ballet and pick them up a little over 24 hours later. Not enough. I can't rest or catch up on housework. I hate my house. My mother has demolished it completely in the past little while. She does NOTHING to pick up after herself or my kids. She sits on her computer all day long playing games and doing nothing else. I've actually had to argue with her twice that my 7 year old is not old enough to walk to school alone. Just because I did it, doesn't mean she can. No Fucking Way. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of being the only one doing anything at all with them or for them or in the house. I've given up. Someone stick a fucking fork in me, I'm done.

We go between days of, "I love you all so much" to "I don't want to see or hear from you all for a few months" Whatever. I need to figure out where I am at. I know where I should be, but I don't think I'm there yet. Work issues are coming to a giant ugly white puss filled head. I've been torn down, torn sideways, and generally beaten down until I no longer give a shit about my store. I love who I work with excluding one, but I'm running as fast as my fractured hip will allow. Today I'm excited because I have adult plans, like with adult friends. I'm dropping my kids off at Nana's house so I can meet up with my knitters and shop and eat and drink. One day to me. I've already done six loads of laundry so it's not like I'm slacking at all....sigh.......

I'm so crushed. I have no reason to be. I kinda knew this was the case, but it's still a punch in the gut to have it happen. All along my mil has assured me that the "family" had cut off contact with me and the kids because they can't stomach Peter's behavior anymore. I just got the email saying "um, yah, I'm taking the kids to sil x 2 birthday celebration and I'll need the extra car seat. I'll also add that my MIL has changed her phone number and I'm not privy to the new one. Directly. Cut. Off. What the hell have I ever done other than to not allow myself to be a verbal or physical punching bag? Because I stood up to the abuse and said "FUCK YOU" I'm the evil one? Why does this hurt me so?

I'm so over feeling like crap because of someone else. Let's get this right out in the open right here right now. I DID NOTHING WRONG I made my kids happy. Sorry it wasn't in the way YOU felt it should happen, but they were happy. Right up until they realized that YOU LEFT without saying goodbye. You fucking jerk. How dare you do this to them. They already think you've abandoned them, then you go and do it for real. Good job. I'm fucking done.

I'm alone... I'm never actually alone at all. I've always got the kids in my house and under my feet, but I'm so painfully alone that I cry. I cry for the life I was promised, I cry for the life I had, and I cry for whats left. It's not fair. To be given the moon and the stars and then have them ripped out of your hands.....not fair. When will I be better? When will I be happy with what I have left? Why can't I smile and mean it? Please, please, please, I need to be able to smile with my eyes again. I need to have someone who will hold my hand and look at me with love. I need to not be so fucking alone.............

So I have this other web site I go to on a regular basis. I love it and it's attached message boards. Now because of one word....stupid....some crazy ass bitch is threatening me. She says she's going to call my DM and my SM and have me fired from my job as Barista. All because I said one policy was stupid. Hmmmmm you stupid ass bitch who has too much time on her hands and nothing better to do than attempt to ruin someone else's life for fun....know what I have to say to you??? FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON Come on you stalking bitch, find me know and print this shit out to bring to my DM and SM...lets see how foolish you can look for getting so bent for one word. Bring it on!

It's the same, he'll never change and I'm a moron for not seeing that earlier. How pathetic is it that even now I still can't pull the plug. I called a lawyer and asked for seperation documents. Why can't I admit defeat and file for divorce? Why can't he see what he has done to his life instead of focusing his hate and rage on me? I own my blame but I still steadfastly maintain that he is making the choice to walk away from us. Sixteen years. Wow.

I am married to an alcoholic. Not a recovering one, a full fledged alcoholic. I have asked for help from every source I can think of and get none...If I do what needs to be done, I risk my children, my home and basically my entire world. I just need someone to help me get him help.

it's a horrible issue. One that can't be fixed most of the time. Toss some pills at it and hope for the best. Doesn't work, at least not anymore. I'm fine when I'm up and going most of the time, but getting out of bed is horrible. When I'm home alone, I sit in the dark and the silence and weep. I weep not so much for what could have been as for what is. Who would have ever wished this life on themselves. One where you're surrounded by so much anger and hatred it's difficult to breathe. I weep for my children who know no better. I am holding on by a thread with one hand and with my other I have very sharp scissors. I see my kids and I shut the blades. They smile and I melt, they laugh and I smile, they hug me and I breathe easier. I need some help in a life of sorrow. I'm too good at masking my pain for my own good. If I reach out my hand, will there be anyone there to grab it?

Time goes on and life goes by...The further away from the 'bad" things in life I get it seems like I'm more and more in the dumps. I sit here and weep on a daily basis, not crying cause that frightens the kids, but silent tears of anguish. I hate my boss. She's mean and rude and doesn't like anyone who is smarter or better than her. Life goes on. My husband and mother had a huge blowout and now my life is in shambles again. I need a shoulder to cry on, strongs arms to hug me, I need someone to care. I can't be the only one in the world, my world, who understands that I can't do it all alone......