It's taken some time.
I thought I should come and speak of the good days. I have done a lot of venting of the crap that has gone on. I've not mentioned much of why I was there in the first place.
That first moment that I saw you, when you walked into Donna's back yard...and stole my breath. You were so beautiful. It was a chilly summer and you didn't hesitate to take off your jacket and cover my legs. It's funny now that I know how cold you are all the time.
It was such a sweet gesture and it stuck with me. We became fast friends. Donna was "in love" with you so out of respect, I let it go. My friendship was worth more than any guy. Little did I know.
Time went on and almost a year passed and it happened. We happened. I don't know that I've ever been so happy. You were gentle and sweet, so kind and loving. So happy to make me happy. I've never had that.
When my dad had his heart attack, you dropped everything to come with me to the hospital. Who wants to meet their girlfriends father, their girlfriend of only a few months in that situation? You came because you supported me.
When I didn't get the job I wanted, you came to my workplace and brought me a gift to cheer me up. You always did anything and everything to make me happy.
Maybe I abused that but I don't really think so. That isn't who I am. I'm pretty easy going and giving myself. I always thought we worked so well together.
And then your drinking got out of control.
Was it the kids? Was it me? Was it both?
I will never know.
It's really hard for me to no longer have any contact. It was harder still to pretend that I was okay watching you fade away. Watching you circle the bowl as it were. From this sweet gentle man who didn't even raise his hand to defend himself in a fight (I took care of it) to someone who thrums with barely concealed anger at all times.
Who is this man? Where did he come from? Was he always there? Was he hiding from me? From us? Did something happen to set him loose?
I don't think I will ever know.
I will mourn the man I loved. I will mourn my marriage. I will mourn my forever. I will mourn my sunset walks, hand in hand with my husband who is wrinkled and grey.
Instead I will walk alone, strong and tall. I will teach our children that to work hard is more important than anything else. That personal responsibility is vital to society and each other. I will show them all the love that they have lost in not having a dad.
I will continue to invite you into our lives. I will no longer expect you to be there. And for that, I mourn.
Good bye my love. I am so sorry we couldn't make it work. More than you will ever know or understand. I am so, so sorry.
That first moment that I saw you, when you walked into Donna's back yard...and stole my breath. You were so beautiful. It was a chilly summer and you didn't hesitate to take off your jacket and cover my legs. It's funny now that I know how cold you are all the time.
It was such a sweet gesture and it stuck with me. We became fast friends. Donna was "in love" with you so out of respect, I let it go. My friendship was worth more than any guy. Little did I know.
Time went on and almost a year passed and it happened. We happened. I don't know that I've ever been so happy. You were gentle and sweet, so kind and loving. So happy to make me happy. I've never had that.
When my dad had his heart attack, you dropped everything to come with me to the hospital. Who wants to meet their girlfriends father, their girlfriend of only a few months in that situation? You came because you supported me.
When I didn't get the job I wanted, you came to my workplace and brought me a gift to cheer me up. You always did anything and everything to make me happy.
Maybe I abused that but I don't really think so. That isn't who I am. I'm pretty easy going and giving myself. I always thought we worked so well together.
And then your drinking got out of control.
Was it the kids? Was it me? Was it both?
I will never know.
It's really hard for me to no longer have any contact. It was harder still to pretend that I was okay watching you fade away. Watching you circle the bowl as it were. From this sweet gentle man who didn't even raise his hand to defend himself in a fight (I took care of it) to someone who thrums with barely concealed anger at all times.
Who is this man? Where did he come from? Was he always there? Was he hiding from me? From us? Did something happen to set him loose?
I don't think I will ever know.
I will mourn the man I loved. I will mourn my marriage. I will mourn my forever. I will mourn my sunset walks, hand in hand with my husband who is wrinkled and grey.
Instead I will walk alone, strong and tall. I will teach our children that to work hard is more important than anything else. That personal responsibility is vital to society and each other. I will show them all the love that they have lost in not having a dad.
I will continue to invite you into our lives. I will no longer expect you to be there. And for that, I mourn.
Good bye my love. I am so sorry we couldn't make it work. More than you will ever know or understand. I am so, so sorry.
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