Funny...Not
It's strange how the human mind works. You go about life being brave and strong on the outside. On the inside you're paddling madly to stay on top of the water.
Nobody sees that. Nobody wants to see.
This past little while, I've been struggling to deal with my own self and with himself as well. On a bad day, I can shove my clouds back and find the ray of light to bask in, to find the warmth. On a good day, I bank that light for when I need it most. For those darkest of dark days when I can't find the ray.
When you have your own mental illness to deal with, dealing with someone else who is unmedicated or unbalanced is stressful at the least, dangerous at the most.
Not only is it taxing on my system, it pushes me closer and closer to mental and physical exhaustion. Think of an electric wire. Looks nice and calm, but inside that wire thousands of volts are constantly humming, or the Duck on the water, calm on the surface, but under, paddling madly to maintain that calm.
Toss some kids into the mix and it's like battery acid on the flames.
I do what I can to keep going with a smile on my face. I smile because for the most part, it could be worse. I smile because if I see even one face who shows pity, I might snap.
The think that echoes in my head lately is how completely and utterly alone I am. My biggest fear in life has always been that I would be alone. I am not lonely by any stretch of the imagination. There is always someone with me, be it a kid or an animal. But I'm missing that connection with another human in a way that allows you to sit quietly and do nothing. Where you can just sit side by side on the sofa watching movies. When you both get up at the same time and do the kitchen dance where one gets snacks and one gets drinks.
It pains me deeply that I'll probably never have this again.
Fatalistic? Probably. Realistic? Yes.
My mother was 42/43 when she left my father. She was never with anyone ever again. I was 35 when my marriage shattered. Broken promises and false hopes have been laid at my feet for five years. I've woken up to the reality that I've spent the past five years waiting for someone who will never be better. Someone who will never put us first.
That hurts. Hurts so deeply that my spiral has taken me to places I've not seen in years. I reach out blindly to those near me for sustainment and that isn't fair. Fair to them or to me. They don't know what it is I need and I don't know that is what I'm doing until it's too late.
The ache in my soul when I sit quietly in my home at night deepens every day lately.
I don't know where to turn to come back to the surface this time. I'll just have to float and hope that eventually I'll return and can stop faking it. It is a shame that I've become so good at faking it...
Nobody sees that. Nobody wants to see.
This past little while, I've been struggling to deal with my own self and with himself as well. On a bad day, I can shove my clouds back and find the ray of light to bask in, to find the warmth. On a good day, I bank that light for when I need it most. For those darkest of dark days when I can't find the ray.
When you have your own mental illness to deal with, dealing with someone else who is unmedicated or unbalanced is stressful at the least, dangerous at the most.
Not only is it taxing on my system, it pushes me closer and closer to mental and physical exhaustion. Think of an electric wire. Looks nice and calm, but inside that wire thousands of volts are constantly humming, or the Duck on the water, calm on the surface, but under, paddling madly to maintain that calm.
Toss some kids into the mix and it's like battery acid on the flames.
I do what I can to keep going with a smile on my face. I smile because for the most part, it could be worse. I smile because if I see even one face who shows pity, I might snap.
The think that echoes in my head lately is how completely and utterly alone I am. My biggest fear in life has always been that I would be alone. I am not lonely by any stretch of the imagination. There is always someone with me, be it a kid or an animal. But I'm missing that connection with another human in a way that allows you to sit quietly and do nothing. Where you can just sit side by side on the sofa watching movies. When you both get up at the same time and do the kitchen dance where one gets snacks and one gets drinks.
It pains me deeply that I'll probably never have this again.
Fatalistic? Probably. Realistic? Yes.
My mother was 42/43 when she left my father. She was never with anyone ever again. I was 35 when my marriage shattered. Broken promises and false hopes have been laid at my feet for five years. I've woken up to the reality that I've spent the past five years waiting for someone who will never be better. Someone who will never put us first.
That hurts. Hurts so deeply that my spiral has taken me to places I've not seen in years. I reach out blindly to those near me for sustainment and that isn't fair. Fair to them or to me. They don't know what it is I need and I don't know that is what I'm doing until it's too late.
The ache in my soul when I sit quietly in my home at night deepens every day lately.
I don't know where to turn to come back to the surface this time. I'll just have to float and hope that eventually I'll return and can stop faking it. It is a shame that I've become so good at faking it...
Comments