Another Year...
Another year and the kids are back to school again.
Grades 5, 3 and 1.
Where was I in fifth grade. I was starting at Claude Watson. Huge change for me. Getting tiny wings in taking the bus so far from home to school each day. Learning that I wasn't just "Linda's little sister". Learning that I have talent on my own.
I look at Bean and I marvel at how much like me she is. How utterly and achingly like me she is. So strong in her personality, and how deep in her own self doubt.
I don't know how to help her. Even less when I'm so deeply mired there still.
In grade three...I have fuzzy memories of my teacher constantly telling me how Linda did things better than I did. Grade one, only memories of Ms. Brown having us all in a circle reading us stories.
I should be grateful that I have those memories at all.
It's been five years that we've been on our own. Five years of struggling to be both mom and dad. Five years of trying to not mention him in conversations. Five years of not badmouthing where they can hear.
I found out a few weeks ago that he doesn't do the same. On the few times that he does spend time with the kids, he spends that time saying nasty things about me. It hurts. Hurts bad.
I hold my share of the blame in what went wrong. I could have done things differently. I could have gotten out earlier I suppose. I could have done anything else but call the police when he attacked me...
Bottom line is, what is done is done. I can't change the past. But I can change the face of the future. I can see my horizon and change my course.
I need to stop living in the land of what if's and self loathing. I know that might be shocking to a lot of people, but it's true. I don't really like myself most of the time. I'm uncomfortable in my skin.
I need to make broad sweeps on the canvas of my life. I need to do this soon before I fall over the edge.
I love my 5, 3 and 1st graders enough to give them more than I had. That should also include a happy mother. Something that I still don't have.
Starting today...
Happy anniversary of becoming one.
Grades 5, 3 and 1.
Where was I in fifth grade. I was starting at Claude Watson. Huge change for me. Getting tiny wings in taking the bus so far from home to school each day. Learning that I wasn't just "Linda's little sister". Learning that I have talent on my own.
I look at Bean and I marvel at how much like me she is. How utterly and achingly like me she is. So strong in her personality, and how deep in her own self doubt.
I don't know how to help her. Even less when I'm so deeply mired there still.
In grade three...I have fuzzy memories of my teacher constantly telling me how Linda did things better than I did. Grade one, only memories of Ms. Brown having us all in a circle reading us stories.
I should be grateful that I have those memories at all.
It's been five years that we've been on our own. Five years of struggling to be both mom and dad. Five years of trying to not mention him in conversations. Five years of not badmouthing where they can hear.
I found out a few weeks ago that he doesn't do the same. On the few times that he does spend time with the kids, he spends that time saying nasty things about me. It hurts. Hurts bad.
I hold my share of the blame in what went wrong. I could have done things differently. I could have gotten out earlier I suppose. I could have done anything else but call the police when he attacked me...
Bottom line is, what is done is done. I can't change the past. But I can change the face of the future. I can see my horizon and change my course.
I need to stop living in the land of what if's and self loathing. I know that might be shocking to a lot of people, but it's true. I don't really like myself most of the time. I'm uncomfortable in my skin.
I need to make broad sweeps on the canvas of my life. I need to do this soon before I fall over the edge.
I love my 5, 3 and 1st graders enough to give them more than I had. That should also include a happy mother. Something that I still don't have.
Starting today...
Happy anniversary of becoming one.
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